July 15th

Life is defined my moments. If you look back in your life you can base your time around big events. For example "Oh that happened before I graduated." or "I met so and so after I got married." For me and my family July 15th is one of those big dates. On July 15th 1997 around midnight my brother and a car load of his friends where cruising around not far from my house. The details are a little sketchy seeing as how everyone present in the car has a slightly different story, but the facts stand that the car my brother was in rolled two and a half times, he was thrown from the car and landed on the pavement. He died at age 19...I was 9 at the time.

As of today it has been 11 years since my brother died so of course I was thinking about it a bit. Shawn would have been 31 on January 2 of this year. That's the same age as my youth pastors. I hadn't really thought about this connection until I was sitting in church and one of them came and sat by his mother and was trying to whisper to her something during service. It hit me then, that could have been my mother and my brother. It was only then that it started sinking in how much it must hurt my mom not to have him around anymore. It's weird thinking that Shawn would have been the same age as some of my mentors and I don't know if I'll look at them totally the same again. To me he's stuck forever in my head as the hippie kid that he was. Would he have his hair cut now? Would he have kids too? What would our relationship be like now if he was still alive? I was just a kid when he died. What would it be like to have a big brother to go to advice to? What would he have said at my graduation? How would he have looked at my sisters wedding? What would he be like now? Would he come say hi at work and tease me about things? What would it be like?

While those questions do come up that's not what had my attention today. What really got me was the miracles around the whole event of his death. My brother grew up listening to Nirvana and other hard core music. He dabbled in the dark side of stuff and did his fare share of worldly things. Before he died, at one point he said he had a dream that one of his friends was the devil and was chasing after him. In his later years (It's weird that he was only 19...he seemed so much older. He was living on his own, and helping raise a little boy...that's a whole other story) he got into the more hippie scene than anything. At one point he found himself at the rainbow festival. While there he went out into the woods alone...picking mushrooms (IDK...while telling my mom this tale he said that he knew the difference between the ones that where deadly and not. IDK what he was planing to do with these mushrooms but I just don't worry about it.) when a elderly man walked up to him holding a Bible. He said that his name was Gabriel. He opened his Bible and read my brother a passage. (Shawn couldn't remember which one) he told him that time was getting short and then left. A few weeks later my brother passed away.

Like a week after he died I had a dream, long story short, that he was home. I didn't understand because he was dead. In my dream a lady came to our house to help with his funereal arrangements. She was talking to us, her eyes fell on him and she was like "Hey wait...why are you here?" She was mad like we where tricking her or something. He just laughed...in my dream I heard his laugh. I wish I could remember it. I think it might be on a VHS somewhere. I woke up and realized that he is with us. That's not doctrinal and no I don't think my brothers spirit hangs around....although as a kid healing from a tragedy I may have. But bottom line I knew my brother was safe in heaven and I would see him one day. I had a peace that surpassed all understanding...and despite the occasional cry I have ever since.

My mom on the other hand wasn't so sure about my brother's salvation and this hurt her. He may or may not have dabbled into satanic things. But hope lingered because of him meeting Gabrila and all.... :D So one night not to long after he died she was outside and she prayed "God, just let me know he's safe, just give me a sign. Like a shooting star." AS SOON as she opened her eyes...there it was. Coincidence. I THINK NOT. I know a 20 year old man that has never seen a shooting star...let alone one on request. God works in mysterious ways.

Shawn's life touched SO many. He was such a friendly, nice, funny guy. He was way talented with the guitar and could sing pretty awesome too. It's weird, even my brother in law, who my sister meet long after Shawn's death, knew him in high school. In fact they use to walk home together. It's just uncanny. His life touched so many, so did his death. Grief can break a person or build them and grief striking so close to home is certainly shaping. I don't know if I would be where I am today if Shawn wouldn't have died. I don't know if I would have been at the church camp that I was at when I got saved if he never would have died. I don't know if my family would treat each other the same. I just don't know.

When Shawn was ejected from the car he pretty much landed in someones front yard. The people who lived in the house where with him when he passed. They are a nice family and to this day they still send us a Christmas card every year. God had me thinking about them the other day. They are Christians and I'm sure they prayed for me, for us. How much have their prayers shaped our lives? It's all a miracle, tragic yes, but God has a plan SO much bigger than our own. I'm not saying that I'm grateful that he died, but I can see how much bigger it really is. God changed my life, who I am in a sense through Shawn's death, who knows how he used it in others life's. Life is defined by moments.