I talk…I talk a lot actually. In fact my sister tunes me out sometimes and if I ask her about it she says it’s because I never shut up. I just like to talk, and awkward silences scare me so I tend to try and avoid them. I usually do this with chatter, hoping to get the other person to talk a long with me…but lately I just walk away. “Hi nice to meet you. I’m Sarah…oh that’s nice…[insert lame excuse to walk away…and maybe possibly to go home as well].”
I, the once bubbly social butterfly, am becoming socially awkward.
I have a fake theory it’s because all the senseless drive thru talk I do. It’s literally sucked a life times worth of talking out of me. I have nothing left to say now other than “Hi…how’s your day. Good. Here’s your change…have a good day. (shut window)” Except in life there is no window…the people are still there, friends are still there, just wanting to talk to me and be talked to…but the coffee house has sucked it all out of me and all I want to do is go home.
This isn’t true…but there is something going on with me and I can’t pin point it. I don’t want to talk and I’m losing my ability to listen…and it’s becoming hard for me to care about things. I just feel blah. I don’t feel like the bubbly kid I once was, at least lately, a week ago I TOTALLY did. I feel like the mellow kid that would be just fine with reading all day and not really being talked to, although I might have a comment or two at some point. I’m becoming the quite kid at the lunch table on the inside.
I don’t get what’s going on with me spiritually. I feel all jumbled lately. I’m kind of distracted…going through the motions with a legitimate smile on my face but I haven’t felt God in a while and I don’t feel like I am really worthy to. (That’s the flesh within). I know in my head that God loves me (For the Bible tells me so) But what does God think of me right now? How does he see me at the moment? Because all I see of me lately is a jumble of thoughts and a thousand mood swings in one day. God what do you think of me? Why am I so tongue tied…and why is my heart locked up? Why don’t I feel anymore? I don’t feel like a real friend, I feel like a fake. I don’t get me. But You know me better than I know myself. Could you tell me some things then please? Change me.
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6 comments:
I'm very familiar with that feeling...the one where you don't feel like your normal self, where God seems distant and you feel distant from others. You're not alone in that! :)
It's not that I don't feel like myself, it's that I don't really know where I stand. God doesn't seem distant, it's that I can't hear him. It's not that I feel distant from others it's that I'm happy just chilln' alone...and I don't know what to say around people anymore. Maybe I'm learning silence is ok. ?????
Sorry I misunderstood you...
The socially akward kid. I rarely ever know what to say to people and never have enjoyed chit chat. This my friend is my world. I like to be around people but I don't like to carry the coversation. Really I don't think you have to worry about this moment. Quiet moments occur in life its normal. I have been in one myself. Maybe its a time where God wants you to focus on one relationship- the one with him. You still are amazing Sarah and you should never feel like you have to entertain people - just love them.
Oh Rebecca don't be sorry. Really. Thanks for the encouragement. It's just anoter weird season leading out of a bad season. It's a transition...and I'm ok with it...it's just weird. How are you doing? Email me if you like. starblownkisses@gmail.com
Pray. Pray. and Pray somemore. Read your Bible, read it somemore and read it somemore. Read it before any other book. And after.
I've enjoyed reading your blog and "meeting" you!
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