The Choice

As a child I would never have DREAMED of saying no to my mom. Even now I don’t. That is just something that is not said to a parent. I bravely attempted that once or twice before. The conversation would stop, my mothers tone would change and I would get a fire filled look followed up by an “excuse me?”. I would then desperately back paddle with an “I just mean….” I never stood my ground on my nos. I don’t ever remember getting a consequence to saying no it was just simply something you didn’t say to my mother. Never even tried it on my father. Wouldn’t dream of it in fact. Dad says do something you do it.
Two years ago I said no to God. I was slowly walking into a relationship with a guy that I knew wasn’t my husband, God told me so. Yet when God told me to stop hanging out with the Guy I desperately said no no, please no…he’s my friend. After the terror of what he was asking sunk in I still stood my ground and said no. Fire didn’t rain down from heaven I wasn’t struck by lightning…I survived the no. Something I never thought of doing now sunk into my life. The no. God would say “Go talk to this person” out of fright I would say no. What if I said something wrong? What if I’m thinking this up on my own. No God…no.
No plague was cast down on me with my foolish decision to hang onto this boy. Instead I died on the inside. God where are you? I would walk through some of the funniest times of life yet the world was a shade of grey. I had learned to follow my own will…and the world was less bright because of it. Eventually I caved in and did what I thought was impossible and gave up a friend. He’s now married.
It strikes me as almost funny that to my parents no is a forbidden word in my mind. Yet to my heavenly father, the one true God, the creator of the universe, I can say no and attempt to run away from his request. Two years ago I got a taste of what it was like to walk my own path. It was grey. Fun didn’t exist and God’s voice came with running shoes. Like Adam and Eve I would attempt to run and hide…or just plug my ears. Yet following myself was easier, more comfortable.
My pastors have said that this is a shift year. The dissensions made this year will shape the future. Before me is two paths. One is radical, filled with adventure and danger. The second is grey, easy, comfortable. Lately I have been choosing the latter of the two. My days have been spent going to a job that to be quite honest I’m not sure, despite what I tell people, I truly enjoy. Coming home reading and watching tv or watching countless movies…trying to lose myself in others adventures. Time spent with people isn’t fun for me like it once was…it’s grey. I want to go home much of the time…go home and read.
In health class they teach us that adrenaline makes the “fight or flight” syndrome kick off in peoples brains. Working at Starbucks has taught me that I’m a runner. Drinks start lining up and something within me says “get out of here.” I fight back with “but no one else is here to take my place…calm down” Then I panic for a second…and then I just shut off my emotions. If the drinks don’t get done it doesn’t matter just go. Just go…that has been a common theme in my life. “I don’t want to be here right now” just go. “I don’t know what to say to these people” just go…just go…get to the next thing…the next event…just go. Run. Run through it. If you run you miss stuff. I want to feel…but I’m scared. God I’m scared.
God showed me the other path this weekend. I think I’ve been aware of it for sometime but I’ve been closing my eyes and running. It’s exciting…but it’s scary. I won’t get to be comfortable anymore. No more saying no and just kicking back. I’m going to have to run for God now…not from him. No more plugging my ears. But hearing every word…even the stuff that’s about me, about all the junk I have in my heart. No more just kicking back but being sensitive to his Spirit at every second. It’s going to be uncomfortable. A panic rises in me…I want to run. “but no one else can take my place…”
I stand at the cross roads with two paths in front of me. One is dangerous the other comfortable. Either way I’m going to have to run. I have a choice to make. God I’m scared.

From End to End
by Relient K
excuse me, but i've got a request
could you take the gag off of my mouth
i admit that i'm fairly impressed
cause you're the best at blocking me out
i believe that we weren't quite done
i know it's hard to hear me out again
i realize, you're not the only one
who's terrified of life from end to end

hey hey, can you hear anything i say
i'm feeling unwanted, that's not what i wanted
and attention to me is something you refuse to pay
cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong
so tell me tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from end to end

excuse me, but isn't this the way
that things always turn into something good
you've tried to ignore the things i say
but in the end you found you never could

hey hey, can you hear anything i say
you search for the short-cut, you live life but for what
i love you and hope you will find the truth some day

cause i just can't believe the way that this
continues to go on
i say i wish you didn't always think i'm wrong
so tell me tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
until you see things through from end to end

so tell me tell me what will it take to get this through your head
and tell me what will it take
to get you on my good side again
and tell me what will it taketo get this through your head
and tell me what will it take

to forget what you knew
just let him find you
and then you'll see things through from end to end

*art done by me *