Christianity, The anti-pity party

I’m driving home tonight at around 2am. I’m in the car alone now with “I’m not who I was” by Brandon Heath streaming through my speakers. The summer sky illuminated above me. Beautiful. Listening to the words of the song, I smile at my past. I swear that this song was written to his ex-girlfriend. “Thinking it’s a funny thing, figured out I can sing. I’m not who I was” The lyrics brought me back to the boy that told me I could sing, encouraged it in fact. The first boy to really like me back. My mind glinted back to some of our moments together…and then started to think about where he is now…just newly married. It’s weird really. Not sad….just weird. He was one of my closest friends, he was beautiful in many ways, he was fun, and now he’s just a memory and I’m ok with that. He’s happy and I’m here.
Then it hit me, where I was. Alone. Friends talking about who likes who and then there’s me and Jesus. Everyone has their hand holders and here I am…alone. And this new feeling hit me. It was a good feeling honestly. Just me and Jesus. I felt as deep blue as the sky ahead of me. Strong, bold…ok…free in a way. Yet in some ways sad. Everyone has someone else, even if it is just in a crush and here am I…no one likes me. I’m the comic relief, the side-kick, the shoulder to cry on, the best friend. My mind started to wonder backwards to all the times that I thought the boys I liked actually liked me back…until they asked about my friend, or suddenly they where walking around holding hands, or they started pouring out there feelings for my good friend…to me.
I turned one “Jefferson aero plane” by Relient K to fit the mood on the rest of my ride home. This broken hearted boy sings about getting through the heartbreak. I’m slowly slipping into a slight pity party, but not really. Still feeling strong and bold…just wondering if this best friend role will be the only role I play in my life…and telling myself, and God that if that’s what he has planed that I’m ok with that. I stay in my car to finish the song and the last few lines stick in my mind “…so everybody knows that I found myself able to fly away without magic feathers or Jefferson Aero planes. I got with me all that I need” Oh Relient K you have words for everything. I, like the boy in the song, got through heart break, and without the tricks of the world, or the self help. God walked me out of the darkness. I’ve got with me all that I need. That’s in the past as well as the future.
God smiles at me excited about what He has planed for me. He takes my hand under this dark sky, turns my gaze from my past. With Him I can run, without worries of falling, without worries to where we’re going or what’s going to happen. Just laugh out loud running under this blue summer night sky. “I figured out I can sing”