I Know What I Should in Life Be but if I Tell You…I Might Have to Kill You

Monday nights are one of my favorite night of all week. It’s a night to kick back and watch my favorite tv shows. One of them is a show about an awkward impromptu spy named Chuck. I love this show and it has played with a thought I’ve had before. I could totally be a spy. Ok not like your typical spy. I don’t think I could do the shooting, fighting, jumping off of building thing (I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t jump very high at all. Also, I like to think I’m strong and could take on the world or lift like 200 pounds…I’m coming to terms with my short comings in strength too). But spies do much more than just fight and do stunts. They have to use their cunning, they have to think on their feet and be able to be anyone they need to be. What I’m trying to get at is I think I could be the distraction.

I think I have a gift of distraction…well I guess you could call it a gift. I can get people off on tangents so quickly. Really I’m the ADD kids worst nightmare, that includes myself. I get so easily distracted. This thought hops to that thought and before I know it I’m so off topic and at a lost. When I in an awkward situation I find me trying to distract myself and others by making them laugh. I’m pretty sure that if some Russian killer started getting hot on my teams trail I could have them talking about the dog they had when they where five a matter of minutes…or at least have them cracking up while everyone else made their way out the back window. Another thing, I like being creative. I think I could make up story’s quickly. I could so help with covers. I also use to be an actress, improv was one of my favorites and I think I was pretty good at it. “Fake it till you make it” was a theme in acting. If you act like you belong somewhere people will believe you belong there. I think I could do that. I could take on other identities and probably having people believing it. AND apparently I can pull off being foreign without even trying so that is a plus for a spy right? Between all this and gadgets I think I could be unstoppable.

Watching Chuck also brought the downsides to spy-hood to my attention. Well obviously I would have to lie…and I’m not so keen on that. But the other thing you could never fall in love and you would have to give up all of your past and pretend all of your life. Couldn’t be hanging out at my sisters house with all the fuzzy nieces and nephews. They couldn’t exist to me. And can’t fall in love…really? That’s really sucky…Technically though I don’t think I’d have to really play by the rules…I’m just the distraction right?

The Longest Goodbye

We said our goodbyes so long ago
Yet I still find myself having to say it from time to time.
You’re not here and I don’t want you to be
But I miss the adventures
I miss the crazy
I miss the kidnappings

You moved on so quickly
And I feel so foolish for still revisiting this
But sometimes I still think about you
About my friend lost.
I miss your friendship
And I’m sad that we’re a world apart now

Congrats on your life
I’m glad to hear you’re happy
I prayed for that for you
But still…I’m afraid I’ve been disregarded
As well I should be
As well as be both told each other that we would be

Yet here I am
Saying goodbye again
There are still some scratches left over I guess
Well at least the scars
We really got torn up that summer didn’t we?
Well…at least I did

God has healed me from so much
Step by step
Layer by layer
I’m specks away from having my heart completely back to me
After years
Wow
The memories still sting from time to time that’s all
Just slightly

At the beginning I could imagine surviving this long
Ha ha ha
Now I can’t believe I was that disobedient
I’m So glad I finally listened
I’m so happy that you gave me that final shove I needed
And I’m so thankful for God’s healing
I’m healed.
Just sometimes
I find myself saying yet another goodbye.
Each one needed in a different way than the one before

So goodbye again
I hope this is the last time I’ll have to say it

My uphill climb

I have a confession to make. I'm a messy kid...no like a really messy kid. Like I was watching a show one time about meth addicts...some of their rooms looked like my room. It's bad...really really bad. I live like a boy a lot of the times. My meaning being "Hey I need clothes to wear. (smell laundry) That will work. (throw in the dryer and go)"

I need to get my room clean.

It just feels like a never ending battle. I'm busy a lot of the time, when I'm not I'm rarely at home, when I am I waist my time and figure that it's ok cause I need to catch up on sleep from the rest of the week. I need to face it I'm a lazyish kid. When I start cleaning I get like half way through and before I know it it's the end of the day and my week is starting. By the end of the week the half I had clean is a mess again.

My mom and I were talking the other day about how I just need to get organized, in everything really, and my room is just a GIANT symbol of that. I feel like I'm always hanging onto life by the fingertips...and God is always pulling me through. Either by procrastination or whatever I'm never quite ready for the day.

One of my pastors the other day said something about how if we treat something badly it's being a bad steward of our stuff. It's true. I was talking to someone else about my messy room this week and she asked "What about when you get married?" *grown* I don't know. I need to change my bad habits now...But here's a question...why is the "married" card always pulled? Why is that like the pinnacle of perfection. It all builds up to "what about when you get married?" What about the bad habits when your married? What question is asked for our bad actions then?

The same old hurt...

I’ve been missing people A LOT lately. People I haven’t seen for years. This happens from time to time. God has put such amazing people in my life and has also taken some out of it too. There’s a reason I know. But wow. I was driving the other day dipping back into memories and it literally hurt. Like this deep ach…knowing I could never go back. I miss them. And it’s people that live right here in the valley…I just never get to see them, some I just have lost contact with them and have no clue how to reach them, some I had to cut them out of my life…with Gods help, and theirs…and a small part of my heart with it. Thankfully God is my healer…He’s really the only real healer. There are some hurts no doctor can touch, no councilor can rid of, no pill can erase. There’s a reason for that. God wants us to turn to him, wants us to depend on Him. Not only does he heal the wound but he smoothes the scars. I love Him.

Ps. The Fray still makes me want to cry. The piano at the beginning of ‘Vienna’ alone can make my breath stop…and ‘Trust Me’ still makes me angry with a smile… “When you’re older you’ll understand” Gurr…

thoght provoking

...a friend and I were talking the other day and she said "...like how the abc's and twinkle twinkle little star are the same song?" What? How did I never see this before? What a rip off. But which came first?

Quote/story of the day:
New starbucks employee in the drive through
"So up to anything fun today?"
"No..."
"What?! But you're in a mini-van!"
As funny as it is it also makes since...weird right? Needless to say, I've met this girl twice and she's already in the quote book.

Today I miss my brother. These days are very few and very far between…but today I miss him. I was praying and asking God to be all these things in my life and I suddenly came to the “God…be my brother.” And I started crying. I never really had thought about it before. I’ve never really thought about that being a void that I left open. God healed me very quickly from the pain of his death. But it’s not what I had with him that makes me sad, it’s not that I lost him that makes me sad either. I know where he is now and I know that God has his reasons and that they are far to many and far to complex for my little mind to comprehend. So it’s not that…it’s what could have been that hurts.

I was at work the other day and Shawnie popped into my head. If he was still alive he could come and visit me at work and get his chi that he loved. Him and his long hair. Would he have cut it now? Would he be more like an adult now or would he still be his goofy self? Would he have come to my high school plays? Would he have brought me flowers after the show? I could hug him for it. He was taller than I am now, he was a pretty tall, perfect hugging height. I could have gone to his apartment sometimes out of the blue and brought him lunch. He could tease me about boys and I could ask him questions. I miss my brother.

I never really thought about it but maybe that’s why I love hanging out with boys so much, because I’m looking for the brother that’s not here any more. God has blessed me with the best guys friends a girl could ask for and I love each and every one of them dearly…but none of them are going to fill the brother shoes. Not completely. With brothers there are no awkward boundaries. I could call my brother up in the middle of the night if and cry to him about something dumb if I wanted to and not have to think about the stupid “Is he going to take this the wrong way? I shouldn’t be pouring my heart out to a boy” because he’s my brother and I can tell him whatever. I wouldn’t have to worry if I was acting to flirty or anything because hello…he’s my brother. There would be no dodging chemistry because there would be none because well he’s my brother. He’s a boy and just a boy. A boy that I could be a tom boy with. A boy that I could rely on. A boy that I could just be Sarah with. I miss it…even though I never quite got to have it.

God be my brother.

Men are still boys

...I've always thought that the people that watched the gladiators where horrible. How could you watch people hurt each other, kill each other?! AND find that as entertainment?!?! What is wrong with you? Today that changed slightly. Today I witnessed a gladiatorial fight of sorts. It didn't involve blood, or death, maybe some bruises...and defiantly laughter. Today the intern boys went ninja...and I watched.

IT WAS SO FUNNY

Overall conclusion is that men are still boys. No matter how old they get guys still want to be heroes, still want to be the people they read about in comic books, still want to be the super stars of all the guy movies...and it cracks me up every time.
I also concluded that the cooler you try to look, the less affective you are. The people that look awesome while they fight, that try to look like their idols on the big screen end up getting bet. I've learned this other places to. One of them being fencing in the Olympics. I was all sorts of excited when I found out that there was sword play in the Olympic games only to be sorely disappointed when each duel lasted all but 3 seconds. Or take hockey games for instance...the fights there are just ugly.
True violence is all but pretty, and guys living out their five year old fantasies is amazing.

p.s. I'm well aware that I have yet to write about the intern trip to DC. I will...I'm just waiting for the right time. For now just know that it was INCREDIBLE and that God has us there at the perfect time.