Today I miss my brother. These days are very few and very far between…but today I miss him. I was praying and asking God to be all these things in my life and I suddenly came to the “God…be my brother.” And I started crying. I never really had thought about it before. I’ve never really thought about that being a void that I left open. God healed me very quickly from the pain of his death. But it’s not what I had with him that makes me sad, it’s not that I lost him that makes me sad either. I know where he is now and I know that God has his reasons and that they are far to many and far to complex for my little mind to comprehend. So it’s not that…it’s what could have been that hurts.

I was at work the other day and Shawnie popped into my head. If he was still alive he could come and visit me at work and get his chi that he loved. Him and his long hair. Would he have cut it now? Would he be more like an adult now or would he still be his goofy self? Would he have come to my high school plays? Would he have brought me flowers after the show? I could hug him for it. He was taller than I am now, he was a pretty tall, perfect hugging height. I could have gone to his apartment sometimes out of the blue and brought him lunch. He could tease me about boys and I could ask him questions. I miss my brother.

I never really thought about it but maybe that’s why I love hanging out with boys so much, because I’m looking for the brother that’s not here any more. God has blessed me with the best guys friends a girl could ask for and I love each and every one of them dearly…but none of them are going to fill the brother shoes. Not completely. With brothers there are no awkward boundaries. I could call my brother up in the middle of the night if and cry to him about something dumb if I wanted to and not have to think about the stupid “Is he going to take this the wrong way? I shouldn’t be pouring my heart out to a boy” because he’s my brother and I can tell him whatever. I wouldn’t have to worry if I was acting to flirty or anything because hello…he’s my brother. There would be no dodging chemistry because there would be none because well he’s my brother. He’s a boy and just a boy. A boy that I could be a tom boy with. A boy that I could rely on. A boy that I could just be Sarah with. I miss it…even though I never quite got to have it.

God be my brother.